Indeed…

He forgot about you.

Remember that.

Wonders

A beautiful picture of the Eclipse over here.

I spent my evening walking under the stars and wishing on them.

It was so magical.

You can’t have it

It’s been a tough week.

I just want to crawl under a rock and make my tears cease.

I just want sleep.

But it doesn’t seem willing.

Progress

I feel incredibly good today.

I am smiling without even noticing it!

I met with a mentor of mine who I have worked closely with for the last 3 years and she said how proud she was of me, how far I had come, how much I had come over these years.

I then met another friend who told me the same and how they were so happy things were good for me at the moment.

I feel unbelievable right now.

You are on my mind

I wrote this on April 7th 2013, and now I’m without her, I feel this more than ever.

“Then I went to see my Grandma, I have been so worried about losing her over the last couple of years. I told her I was so scared to lose her and she held me and let me cry on her. I don’t know what I’d do without her, you know that one person it feels like you can’t do without, that without having them with you in your most special moments of life, that they just aren’t as special?

I’m scared to not have her.”

I don’t think words can express how much love and care she gave to me.
She was what kept me going for so many years when I wanted and needed to give up.
She was my mother when mine didn’t know what do with me.
And I still feel her passing every single day.

I read this at my sister’s wedding. And I feel it today.

― “Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

Suprises

When someone does something which is totally and completely unexpected and something you really needed at that moment.

Received a beautiful bouquet of flowers today from someone immeasurably special in my life, they came with a note saying how proud they were of me being discharged from CBT and moving onwards with my healing journey.

I am so teary just looking at them. They are beautiful and they represent something so special as they are a well done.

It is things like this that make everything seem better, like the dark days are worth and it does make you think of how proud you should be of yourself. That if someone else sees the inner strength I have used to get myself to the stage of being able to be discharged from this therapy onto my next one.

All stepping stones in the right direction for me!

It feels really good to have someone do something for me that shows myself how far I have truly come on my healing journey.

Living in the present

I am experiencing on of those strange feelings of peace and contentment. They come fleetingly but I enjoy them so much.

At the moment I know so much that is missing from my life, so much that is wrong with it through acts I have done and acts that have been done to me. There is always so much I could change about the way my life is.

It seems so daunting and that is what brings me out of moods like this.

I’m thinking of the future and not the right now. If I just lived everyday in the right now rather than the past or the future I am sure I would be a lot more content more of the time.

Constantly thinking and evaluating back and forwards is what drives contentment and peace away as you can never be happy with the past as there are regrets and wishes and you can never be happy with the future as you don’t know what will happen.

I have always wanted to know the future – but maybe that’s the wrong attitude to have.
It means I don’t actually live the now.
But it seems so difficult to do in practice.
Any tips?

Romanticised forms of love

Maybe I have always focused on how I thought romance and love should be.

Romanticised films and books make it feel like something otherworldly and spectacular.

What if it isnt like that for everyone? What if instead it isnt an overpowering knock you head over heels feeling but something else.
Something constant, unwavering but still so important.

Does that mean it will always be like that for you?
Are you meant to have the head over heels feeling?
I wish I knew, my norms have been set by romanticised others that may be unreaslistic but part of me feels a little disappointed I don’t feel that way. Whether it’s because it isn’t that way for me or because it isn’t the right one for me is something I’m not sure of.