You can’t have it

It’s been a tough week.

I just want to crawl under a rock and make my tears cease.

I just want sleep.

But it doesn’t seem willing.

You are on my mind

I wrote this on April 7th 2013, and now I’m without her, I feel this more than ever.

“Then I went to see my Grandma, I have been so worried about losing her over the last couple of years. I told her I was so scared to lose her and she held me and let me cry on her. I don’t know what I’d do without her, you know that one person it feels like you can’t do without, that without having them with you in your most special moments of life, that they just aren’t as special?

I’m scared to not have her.”

I don’t think words can express how much love and care she gave to me.
She was what kept me going for so many years when I wanted and needed to give up.
She was my mother when mine didn’t know what do with me.
And I still feel her passing every single day.

Angry…angry…angry…breathe!

It makes me more angry than sad when my dad emails me saying “You seem to have been quiet for some time”.

Of course I have, why would I have contacted you, probably the same reason as you haven’t contacted me I presume.

It takes two people to contact each other.

It isn’t always my fault and it isn’t always yours.

But I am the only one that makes the effort and I am acting like the adult here.

I didn’t abandon my child to go through dealing with the effects of being sexually abused as a child by themselves.

And you are emailing asking me if I want help with work….no dad…I wanted your support, nothing else.

Now I don’t want anything.

Thank you

I guess over the past 2 days I discovered something about myself.

I hate and I feel so much hurt and pain over the decision my parents made to ignore the help I asked them for in surviving with my memories of being abused.

But I sat and thanked them for all they have done for me.

Because it was the right thing to do. Because I have a type of pureness in my heart that cannot be tainted and ruined by pain.
I thanked them because they deserved it and I deserved it.

I found out I am good in ways. I am good.

Entering year 2 of CBT

Back to CBT.

I was incredibly nervous arriving – and when the receptionist had to come and ask me was I sure I had an appointment for today because they couldn’t find me on the system part of me was tempted to just leave and fain it was true I just liked to be a day early, but she came back having found me on the system.

It felt like I had been away for a long time – I suppose 4 months is a long time though!

We talked of summer and how that was, of how my job went, if I’d spoke to my parents a lot etc.

We talked of my parents a lot and their rejection over a year ago – she asked the question of why it was bothering me so much now when it hadn’t for the year so much. And it was a good question, and it had me stumped.
I feel like part of me has internalised some of what they have said and done, being rejected in that way when I was crying out of their help and support has made me question if others will do the same. I know friendships and relationships come and go but family is meant to be unending and this is what I feel has got to me most – losing that which I felt I was meant to have.

My next step with CBT is to go over all of the techniques we did previously in our sessions, going through my safe place will be important to deal with flashbacks to calm me down physically and emotionally. Looking at changing my negative thought patters, stuff I haven’t done over summer and it seems obvious why I am feeling low because I haven’t really been working at it, I’ve just been letting it happen.

I now have a diary to keep track of things I feel work, and distractions that I will try and test. Starting to put together a record of where I am at and where I want to be, how I will get there, what works what doesn’t, what I can try for next time.

It all seems very good and practical on the surface! Let’s hope in 2 weeks time I’ve managed to put my head down and face the problems and rescue myself along the way.

Will you still love me?

I never know how people will react when I tell them about my past.

From past experience I know that it is mixed, I have my parents who have left because of it, I have friends who have left and I have friends who have stayed. I have neglected to tell some of my family, but I feel like it might be time to soon, my sister for example, I have put off telling her because of how awfully my parents reacted but maybe it is time she knew.

All I want from her reaction is love, care and support. It’s all I’ve ever wanted from anyone.

It’s difficult knowing how people will react – the first person I told about my abuse I was terrified of what he would say, how he would react and I will always remember it. He is still very much a part of my life now.

It’s never easy guessing how anyone will react to anything we tell them, I guess all we can do is hope that it is enough that words and understanding are there.

It feels terrifying though

I love you…?

My mum said to me today her usual “I love you” and I once again smiled and said “thanks.

She said to me “You know you never say I love you back”.

I don’t know how I am meant to say it, how her constant dismissive behaviour of my feelings, her anger at them when she listens to them, her anger generally. 

I struggled for 2 years on my own trying to cope with memories of being abused and fresh ones of being raped. And I was terrified to tell them, thinking that she would be so angry at me. And she wasn’t angry. She told me she never wanted to talk about it again, that I was trying to hurt her. 

And that was that, how can I say I love you to a woman that left me to do it all by myself no matter how difficult it was for her to hear (and I acknowledge its probably the worst thing for your child to tell you), but how difficult it is for you it is even more difficult for me. I am the one doing it. And thanks to her, I am the one doing it on my own. I don’t understand how that is ok for her to just forget.

She said she wanted to forget I told her and never talk about it again and a year later it’s still true, we haven’t talked about it again.

The grave I am going to visit this afternoon is where my true mother figure lies. 

What im feeling today

That look and that feeling of being let down is so painful.

I’ve rewrote this post about 3 times because I cant even find the words to describe how it feels. Its not something I can even explain to anyone who doesn’t know it.

When you feel so alone in this world because your parents have emotionally turned you away.

Telling them you were abused as a kid..and they say they dont want to talk about it again. I know its difficult for them in ways I cant imagine. But its even worse for me in ways they cant imagine.

Its facing rejection at its worst when they are meant to be there unconditonally always..through anything.

Its painful, and it makes me burst into tears. It makes me feel I should be ashamed because they are.

Its not right

Wishing on a star

I wish that I could talk to you more than anything. To let you know how my life is going. I hope you dont look on me and feel disappointment. I hope you look at me and see part of yourself in me, that you shaped me into who I am today. That you gave me so much love and care, that you were my best friend and my nan.

That you will always be missed, everyday.

Loving you with all my heart.

Grief

I don’t even know what to say…unending, pain, and wishing you could do anything to have them back with you now.

There’s little else to say there.

x